Wait to talk to the coach about something you are upset about for at least 24 hours after a game. Emotions, both yours and the coach’s, are often so high after a contest
that it’s much more productive if you wait until a day goes by before contacting the
coach about a problem. This will also give you time to think about what your goals are and what you want to say.

Note: There are exceptions to the 24-hour cooling off period. If the coach’s behavior
puts your child’s safety at risk, appears unethical, or exemplifies poor sportsmanship, speak to him or her as soon as you can safely do so.

Let’s say your child has just had an opportunity to make the winning play in a game and blew it. If you competed in this sport growing up (and perhaps even if you didn’t), you may have suggestions for how your child could have made the play.Suggestions from parents are often not well received by their children.

Athletes get so much coaching already – from coaches, from teammates, and from the game itself. When parents add to this flood of feedback, it often overwhelms the child, like the proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back. Rather than obsessing about the skills and strategy of the game, engage your children around the life lessons from their experience. This is your role as a Second-Goal Parent!

When talking with your children about a recent game, use open-ended questions to get them to talk while you stay in listening mode.

“What was the best part of the game today?”“What was the hardest part of the game for you?” “What lessons can be learned from a tough loss?”

Without downplaying your child’s disappointment, lend perspective and fill their Emotional Tanks by pointing out things that did go well in the game.

“You were really in the zone for most of the game today. Your hard work at practice is really paying off.”“Both teams competed so hard. I hope you can feel good
about your effort.”

Then come back to the Big Picture.

“I can imagine it is disappointing to have lost today’s game, but I know you’re the kind of person who doesn’t let a setback keep you down. That kind of resilience will
help you rebound from any obstacle life throws your way.”

During one-sided games, it is a good idea to take even more of your focus off the scoreboard, regardless of what side of the score your team is on.

Parents often just cheer reflexively whenever their children's teams score. But Second-Goal Parents go beyond reflex to cheer for the things they want to see happen again – things that reinforce their ultimate goals surrounding their child's sports experience.

If you want your children to value giving their best efforts, then cheer for your children for their efforts regardless of the outcome or scoreboard.

Advanced Second-Goal Parents stretch outside the box and cheer for great plays and efforts made by players on the opposing team as well.

Sports provide children with numerous opportunities to learn life skills. The power of preparation is one such skill. Preparation routines are one of the best ways athletes can prepare themselves for “peak practice". How can parents help develop this skill? The first way is to model the behavior: develop and use routines to help you prepare for work, meetings, errands and sports practice! Think of everything you will need to be totally prepared and present for the activities in your life—consider meals, clothing, equipment, notes, maps etc. Remember, we get what we prepare for. Next, work with your child to develop his own pre-practice preparation routine. Help himcreate a checklist that includes everything he will need to have his best practice.This list can include everything from thinking through when he needs toleave home/school to get to practice on time (or even a little early!), to making sure he's gotall needed equipment and water ready to go. Learning the skill of preparationthrough sports will pay huge dividends down the road for your child.

Thinking and writing are inextricably bound together. So, “think it and ink it,” and write out your practice plan! Most practice ideas will come from games—either things that need work from previous games, or to prepare for upcoming games. Unless you write these ideas down, chances are you’ll lose track of them before you can incorporate them. You may not always know what to cover in the next practice, but if you start jotting down ideas as they come to you, practice will be a lot better than if you wing it. A poor written plan is better than an ideal plan that exists only in your head. So write it down! Next, share your plan with your team. With younger athletes, give the highlights of what you will be working on that day. If you coach older athletes, post the plan on the wall or give your players a copy of the practice plan at the beginning of practice to let them know what to expect. Ask for their best effort, which will increase the likelihood of a great practice.

As parents we have great power to shape the way our children think about themselves. Through the thoughtful use of you're-the-kind-of-person-who statements, we can help them begin to think of themselves as capable people with positive character traits. This phrase can also work beyond the athletic field. If you want to raise a child who loves reading, you can look for an opportunity to catch her reading something and later say, "I noticed you reading that book on falcons. It's great that you're the kind of person who likes to read for pleasure." After an athletic contest in which your child made a great effort, you can say, "That long run you made after the ball near the end of the game was a great effort. I'm proud that you're the kind of player who doesn't give up easily."

Research shows that about five Emotional Tank-fillers per criticism is optimal for motivation. Keep track of the tank-fillers and criticisms you deliver to your child over
the course of a day with pluses and minuses on a piece of paper. You will be amazed at how many criticisms you hand out. Once you get to 5:1 (truthful and specific praises), you’ll see why it’s called the Magic Ratio. Your child’s emotional tank will be so full they’ll do things you would have thought were impossible! Remember, the kinds of things that fill tanks are praise (truthful and specific), reinforcing positives, listening and nonverbal actions (nodding, clapping, smiling). Criticisms, corrections, ignoring and nonverbal actions (frowns) are things that tend to drain tanks.

"When I Become the Coach"
adapted from The Double-Goal Coach by Jim Thompson
Positive Coaching Alliance

Self Control Routine
Positive Coaching Alliance